Reading about anger has been exceptionally hard. I don't think I ever realized just how much is wrapped up in that simple little word: anger. Seriously!
 |
| Remember me? |
I learned today that I feel anger because I feel like something is unfair, I feel powerless, and unable to simply tolerate the situation. But, actually, I feel angry not because of the situation, but because of my perception and judgement of the situation. So, let's change that first statement about why I get angry to include this new information:
[I] feel angry when [I] define reality as unacceptable and I feel unable to
easily correct it, tolerate it, or let it go. It's my perception that causes me
to become angry. (pg 17).
easily correct it, tolerate it, or let it go. It's my perception that causes me
to become angry. (pg 17).
But, then I found out that I might feel angry to protect myself because I really have feelings of hurt that leave me, on top of feeling hurt, also feeling vulnerable. I was overwhelmed when I read the list of hurt feelings that often lead to anger. There are instances that I can recall in which I've felt angry AND most of this list all at once.
I can feel my stomach tense up at that realization. Suddenly I'm super uncomfortable and I don't want to be writing this post anymore. No wonder I need anger to protect myself from hurt. In the two general instances that I'm thinking about now, I felt at least 20 of the 26 items on that list.
I had to take a break from the book at this point. I stopped and did some reflecting. I'm going to direct this section of this blog to my mom, but there are others for whom this directly applies and although I'm not saying it below, I'm thinking of you too. <3
In thinking about times that I've been truly angry, I spent a lot of time thinking about myself and how I've felt and with all those emotions listed above floating around inside my head, it's easy for me to overlook other people's emotions. I know that you were also hurt or angry and I apologize for not being able to get out of my own pain and anger enough to address yours.
I still find myself wondering about your feelings during those times of anger and I think the beginning of this book is helping me to see why. If anger was protecting me from what I was really feeling, maybe it was doing that for you too? Maybe instead of just feeling the angry stuff you showed me, you were also feeling some of the hurt feelings on the list above? That makes me really sad. It makes me really sad that we were both feeling SO hurt, but only showed each other anger or our tough-cold side.
Mom, even though you've told be 1,000 times since then, there are still times that I wonder if you felt love for me back then.
This makes me wonder what impression you have of me from those days. If I stop and try to think about the situation from your perspective; I mean, really try to think about things the way you say they were. If I try to put myself in your shoes and imagine me, Iola, doing and saying the things that I know I did and said, I look like a very angry, resentful, and indignant person. I was all those things. But, I was also very hurt. I also felt abandoned, afraid, disrespected, helpless, humiliated, ignored....
It occurred to me that if I'm still unsure about your feelings during those times that maybe you're not sure about mine either. The fact of the matter is, I don't think I could feel that many overwhelming emotions, so much so that I would need anger to protect me from them if I didn't care very, very deeply. So, to answer this question, during those times when I was angry with you, I loved you very much! I don't think I could have been so angry if I hadn't!
____________
Awesome paper created by Markhal and for the truly curious, instructions on how to create your own paper can be found here.
Iola
ReplyDeleteRefleting on what you are saying, I think you have some very valid points. I have always loved you very very much but projected anger to protect myself when I felt so many other feelings. I think I was only trying to protect myself. And at times I think (know) that I am still doing that. You are also right about most of the other feelings. I think we project the anger to cover all the rest of the feelings we don't want to admit we are having. I am so sad that you really felt back then that I didn't love you. I surely wish we could have done the theropy and discussions many many years ago. But at least we are trying to get to the bottom of all our problems now. I still get so angry and am anxious to read the book you have been so generous to send. I seem to be at a standstill with the other book and really need to buckle down and get busy. I hope you will realize in the future that I love you very much and have always loved you. I am so sorry that I was unable to show or express those feelings property.
I didn't know how to show you how I was really feeling either. I mean, I was really feeling angry, but I was also feeling all those other things and I had no idea how to talk about that with you.
ReplyDeleteBut, the point of this post was to tell you that even though I didn't really know everything I was feeling or how to tell you about it, I DID love you very much.
I thought that if I was confused about your feelings, maybe you were also confused about mine...?
Iola
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. For years I thought that you just didn't even like me at all. When I was told that I could not even talk to you on the phone and then later that you didn't want to talk to me, it simply ripped out my heart. Of course, I turned that into anger also. We are really a couple of messed up people, but I think it will just get better from here. I love you. I never get tired of saying that now. odd isn't it?