Patterns of Anger?

1.  I have talked at length in previous posts about feeling angry when I feel unheard, unseen, and helpless, so I don't really want to talk too much about that here, but it definitely deserves a mention.

I'm sure I'll come back around to this topic soon enough, but here's what's really on my mind lately:

2. Self sacrifice is a long tradition in my family.  You are supposed to take care of other people and put your own needs last -- that's what "good" people do.  You do this without recognition, complaint, or pride and your reward will be a large gold-gilded castle on the cloud the Presbyterians call Heaven.

I've done this as long as I can remember without ever giving it a second thought -- until recently.  I'm realizing that following this edict handed down from generation to generation without question, like most things handed down in this manner, may not be the best modus operandi!

Interesting how easy it was to see the problems with same theory with other things (ahem, hello religion, my old friend), but somehow this one was a total surprise!  Also interesting how something could be SO ingrained in you that you don't even know it's there, that you're doing it, and that it's interfering with your own needs.  What's more, it's interfering with your relationship and making your resent the people you are supposedly supporting and helping.  Now, that's devious!

Nobody mentioned that when they were teaching me how to behave! Seems like an important bit of info...  Makes me wonder if I'm just repeating the same pattern of anger and resentment of my ancestors?  I know my mom has experienced similar feelings -- I wonder about my grandmother?  What would it be like to talk to her as an adult?  Did she have these same insights?  If so, why didn't she pass this knowledge on?


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The bigger question is, how do you stop doing this and deal with the pain you cause others by suddenly not being there for them in the way you used to?

Intentionally hurting people (or letting them hurt) feels like I'm taking slow, intentional steps down a dark staircase toward what everyone has been telling me all my life ends at literal Hell!  I don't actually believe in Hell, but I don't really want to go there either!

So, What Would Drew Say?  Something to the effect of "suck it up, Buttercup"?  But, in a much kinder way. He'd probably say, that I have to be ok with allowing other people to feel their hurt and still doing what I need to do to meet my own needs.

Fuck.  I don't like that answer.