Let's Get This Shit Started

How to start?  I’ve never thought of myself as a writer, so this whole idea is new for me, but so is expressing my feelings so I might as well dive in headfirst!  Please keep both of those things in mind as you read this blog.  Don’t expect elegant prose or perfectly worded explanations for how I was feeling.  But, what I can promise you is that I will tell you the truth.  This is the #1 rule in our house – Tell The Truth, the deep down truth.  Even to yourself and even when it sucks.

So here goes.  My partner started seeing a therapist and really enjoyed the interactions and growth he was getting out of it and suggested that I might also learn from the experience.  This, of course, sent panic through every fiber of my being.  From as far back as I can remember I knew that at some point I was going to need therapy and would be deemed crazy, after all, most of my family is crazy and crazy is obviously genetic.  I went for it anyway, even though the panic never stopped coursing through my veins.  Luckily, I could plan this entire thing via email, so I was able to portray a non-crazy person – until I showed up for the first session!  I have no clue what I said during that first hour with Drew, but I know for a fact that I used more tissues than words.  I was more afraid than I’ve ever been in my life.  I was revealing myself to a stranger.  Paying him to tell me that I am crazy.  Why?  Why did I decide to do this to myself? 

Well, during that first session, Drew never once said the words I expected to hear.  Honestly, I don’t know what words I expected to hear….a barrage of questions ultimately leading up to an official DSM diagnosis? 

What I didn’t expect him to say was, “that makes perfect sense”, “of course you feel that way”, and “that’s perfectly healthy.”  Words he’s repeated over the next several months many, many times. 

This is the start of my journey towards a more emotionally aware self.  A journey back through all my emotional baggage, sorting out all my childhood emotions of deprivation and isolation, teenage angst, and an early adulthood of avoidance.  I have no clue how far along in this journey I am, so I really don’t know how this story ends.  Like I said at the beginning, please bear with me while I figure this out.  :-)