My Partner, J

Today I have no idea what I should write about.  The whole idea of understanding my feelings is new to me and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet.  I have times when I know -- literally deep in my gut -- that some feeling is stirring inside me, but I'm not sure what it is.  I've been struggling with this for a while now and I feel absolutely ridiculous when I can't name a feeling that I'm having.  Today is one of those days.

This reminds me of... 

My partner and I share one car and we don't work in the exact same place.  He really likes having the car during the day so he can have a quiet place to go read and have some time alone during his lunch break, so he usually drops me off at work and then I either get a ride from someone else or wait for him to pick me up.  For a while, he was complaining about how much longer his drive home is when he has to pick me up from work.  This really started to hurt my feelings because I was feeling like a chore for him and in all fairness we both own the car so why should I feel bad needing a ride home from work?  So, anyway, I was getting frustrated and irritated about the Ride-Home-Situation, but I wasn't really able to name the feeling I was having.  This added to my frustration -- I'm a 33 year old woman and we're supposed to learn the names of feelings in elementary school.  Why can't I name this 'simple' feeling?

I'm embarrassed to admit that it actually took me awhile and a bit of talking with Drew to figure out what was going on.  I'm sure it won't be a surprise to you that I was angry at being made to feel like a burden and like my feelings weren't being considered.

So, then I wondered why it was so hard for me to admit and/or acknowledge that I was angry at J, my partner, for not considering me?  It's so obvious?  Is my self-esteem THAT low?  Then it took me another good chunk of time before I figured out why it was so hard for me to realize/acknowledge that I was even angry at him.  Finally, it struck me one night on a walk around the neighborhood.  "Oh my god, I'm afraid that he might leave me."  I am constantly trying to make him happy or trying to not upset him so that he doesn't leave me.  I really don't think of myself as that person, but there you have it.  I change who I am all the time to try and keep him happy all in an effort to delay the inevitable abandonment.

In my logical self, I really don't think he will leave me, but as soon as I say that the less logical part of myself, the part I'm just discovering, the part of me that usually holds all these feelings (I say this word with dripping amounts of bitterness, because today I really don't want to have them) roars to the surface and says, "maybe he won't leave you today, but you don't know what tomorrow holds."










Where did this part of me get her information?  Why does she doubt the logical part of me so much?  The logical part of me really knows J well and believes him when he says he's in it for the long haul.  He loves me and I love him and we have worked so hard to be honest with each other and learn and grow together for the past 13 years.

Well, to answer the question about where I may have learned a fear of abandonment, I have to face some ugly truths.  I have to look back past my life with my current partner and look at my life with my original family.  From as far back as I can remember, I spent alternating years living with many different members of my family.  Which if looked at from a certain light could show how many people were willing to accept me into their lives, but, of course, a young child doesn't have that perspective.  From my young eyes, I saw it exactly the opposite way: I can no longer live with my mom.  Or, sometimes even worse: my mom doesn't want me anymore.  I'd live with my grandparents for a while and then eventually go back to live with my mom.  Although I was delighted to live with my mom again, a part of me still thought: my grandparents don't want me anymore.  Then, my mom would move in with a new father-figure, but I couldn't move in there at first, so back to my grandparents house.  Obviously it wasn't true, but when you're young it feels like mom loves this new father-figure more than you or she'd choose to live with you instead.  Then I moved in with mom and new father-figure and out of my grandparents house and again: I must have been too much for my grandparents.  I'm sure mom and new father-figure were just ready for me to move in, but again, I was a child and in a family that doesn't talk about these things.  This happened quite a few times and ultimately the father-figures left for some reason or another.  I have no idea what those reasons were, but the point is that they too left.  The final step was when I moved in with my aunt, her husband left her, she met someone else, invited him over for 2 weeks and told me that I "wouldn't be there."  I was in college by this point and have lived with my partner ever since. 

He's been there and has supported me through everything.  He's not like anyone I've ever known and I have an unbelievable amount of respect for him.  J, thanks for always being there, always supporting me, and always loving me.  I love you like nobody else.



FILDI.