Option #1: Shut these emotions down immediately (or try to).
Honestly, there's some draw to this option. I don't really want to feel most of these emotions anyway! But, there's a part of me that thinks there's something bigger waiting on the other side. Once I sort through all the old boxes of crap that I stored so compactly and haphazardly in the basement corner for so long, maybe way back in the corner all covered in dust I'll find some peace sitting there just waiting to be discovered. The idea of getting all this stuff to fit back into such a small space is also intimidating -- I just don't know if it'll fit...I don't know if I can wrestle it all back -- it's so powerful. But, that power is what makes me want to put it back away. These emotions are too much most of the time! It would be nice to not HAVE to deal with them... This is a confusing proposition. Every pro leads to a con and every con back to another pro. Every third time I see Drew I consider quitting, but then I show up for the next visit.
Option #2: Stop The Great Experiment.
I care deeply for the 3rd, but any emotion, confusion, or scent of a feeling from me sends her dark passenger into a whirlwind of panic and sends her body into a literal run. The thing is, I totally get it. Never in her life has another person's emotion not ended with her pain and devastation.
But, understanding it and being able to deal with it are two very different things. If I'm going to learn to open up and experience emotions I need to be able to experience them without dire consequences. I need to take time and experience them in full -- roll them around on my tongue, smell their bouquet, examine their color -- to really discover what they mean...what they are about. I need to be able to experience them without devastating the people I love and in turn having the people I love devastate me.
I only hope Option #2 doesn't end with the loss of a dear friend.
Why does it have to be option 1 or 2? Maybe you just need to take it a little slower and give your 3rd time to adjust also. She has had a very hard time to and maybe she needs more time to process and learn to trust. Just be patient. All good things take time. Look how long it has taken us to get to this point. I love you.
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