I AM A Good Person...I Swear.

This week I have had the joy of defending myself against a bit of mud slinging.  I'm not going to lie, it was a bit brutal.  I didn't believe most of it.  In fact, most of it seemed so far fetched that I didn't really think the slinger believed it, but for some reason it resonated with me.  Like an echo from decades past.

I can almost hear the words "Turn off the water works" and "She's only doing that to get her way" echoing from years gone by directly into present day.  I must shout out to everyone and anyone that will listen, "NO!  I'm not manipulating anyone!  These are my actual feelings.  I am being genuine."

Which soon changes slightly to "I AM genuine.", "I am real.", and eventually, "I am here."

I haven't felt this way in a long, long time and I hope not to feel this way again for another long time.  Then again, it's nice to know that there was a reason I was blocking out all those feelings.

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I hadn't realized I felt this way until I started typing this and seeing here in black and white leaves me feeling a little empty inside.  What I mean is, I knew that I felt lonely and sad for a long time, but I didn't realize just HOW lonely -- so lonely that I felt invisible, unseen.  Maybe I WAS crying to get my own way, but not necessarily the "way" that was being presented to me at the time.  Maybe I was crying to be seen, to be recognized?  And, instead I was made to feel like a schemer, a deviant, who was only doing things for her own selfish aims.  

I guess that's why it was so important to me to correct that misconception.  I was trying to be seen, but certainly didn't want to be seen as an asshole.  I'd rather be invisible.  I'd rather not be than be a hurtful person.  That's a truth I've felt for a long time.